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By Joel Legnut, Duh Progressive staff

Friday, January 29th, 2010,

WASHINGTON DC —It was been warned before. It has been caught red-handed repeatedly. It has been excoriated for its unfettered hedonism and lackadaisical work ethic (and ethics, in general). This is not the first time it has been disgraced. However, it is apparent former Senator Ted Kennedy’s liver has taken no notice, or concern, of the recent turmoil in the world, nor of his former master’s death, or heath care reform, but instead has been vacationing and boozing in none other than the Bahamas!

While Congress has been battling over vital legislation to overhaul America’s world famous health care system, the liver for the Senate’s former “liberal Lion" has felt it necessary to leave its embalmed host and scamper off to yet another lavish destination –this time in Nassau!

Photos of Kennedy’s liver boozing on a beach have been circulating the internet and cable news channels throughout this week, and according to reports, the exhausted detoxifying organ bears no shame for its current escapade in paradise. When confronted by reporters about its behavior, Kennedy’s liver was its usual belligerent self:

“Go (expletive) yourselves!” Said the liver to reporters as it emerged from the sauna of Nassau’s Atlantis Paradise Resort. “I’ve had it pretty (expletive) rough over the years, being the liver of that asshole, Ted! I deserved all I cans gets –all dis’ shit; deez bitches and dis’ Cuervo! I mean everyfin’, you bitchez! So you can go stick your (expletive) up your (expletive) (expletive)! Drinkin’ one fo’ my homeez!”

The Atlantis Paradise Resort is rather subdued compared to the destinations the Senator’s liver has run away to during the Senator’s life. Just 18 months ago the organ was spotted in Jamaica’s notorious “Hedonism III” resort, laughing and drinking it up with nude Australian tourists and engaging in group sex with a gaggle of middle-aged, overweight Canadians. Just last November Duh Progressive itself caught (and photographed) Kennedy’s liver partying it up at a Vegas strip joint.

“This kind of behavior from the late Kennedy’s liver is expected,” said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on Fox News’ Hannity show. “It’s been common knowledge in Washington for years that the Senator’s liver was not up to the job anymore…Too much drinking by its host; too much whoring around. It was simply too much for Senator Kennedy’s liver to handle. So it’s no surprise that the organ went off from time-to-time for a little ‘R-and-R’. But still, the liver must accept its host, no matter if it were during his sleazy life, or how dead he may be now, and be a good servant to him in death.”

This is not the first time the liver has embarrassed its famous host and the rest of Congress, even before Kennedy’s death. Its behavior has been chronicled since 1989, when during George Bush Sr.’s Inaugural address, the organ was first spotted outside Kennedy’s body, apparently scampering around intoxicated, trying to sneak a peak up Barbara Bush’s dress. Since then the incidents involving Kennedy’s liver have steadily increased, ranging from general public intoxication to gambling addiction, crack-cocaine dealing, urinating on street corners, human trafficking, visiting brothels, strip clubs, and assaulting random citizens. This latest revelation of the post-mortem organ’s impromptu vacation is yet another stain on its duties as a crucial organ of a national leader.

Human Physiology professor Dr. Miles Fulgrahm of New York University has been studying the trials and tribulations of Ted Kennedy’s liver for years, and is currently completing a biography on the organ, titled “'Jesus Christ, What Next'?: Biography of a Liberal Senator’s Liver,” in which he tries to explain the rebellious nature of the bodily organ.

Said Professor Fulgrahm, “When an organ as vital as the liver finds itself in the host of a person such as Edward Kennedy, there should be no surprise that the organ will eventually rebel –that is to say, ‘give up;’ ‘call it quits;’ what-have-you, and relinquish its duties and retreat to another form of existence best suitable for it. …This can happen during life, or as we now see, after death.”

Indeed, Professor Fulgrahm’s words ring true, as the former Senator’s liver continues to carouse around Washington DC, New York, Paris, Jamaica, Nassau, Saint Martin’s, Mykonos, Rome and London, seemingly totally independent of its host, now resting eteranally in Arlington National Cemetery.

As of last October, Kennedy’s liver is quoted as saying “I don’ knowz why people be lambastin’ my ass! If y’all mutha (expletive) was in my position, y’all be prayin’ to be liberated from the body of dis ol’ drunk-ass piece of (expletive)!"